


When You Leave Me (I'm Not Going Anywhere)

by paperbackfish



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Era (Phandom), 2009 Phil Lester, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell Has Panic Attacks, Depressed Dan Howell, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Dan Howell, Mild Angst I think?, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Sad Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25958410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paperbackfish/pseuds/paperbackfish
Summary: Sometimes the thoughts are just too much. Sometimes Dan breaks. Sometimes he finds himself drowning on the kitchen floor, unwilling to ask for help and too insecure to think that anyone would want to help him anyway. Luckily, Phil loves him.Set in 2009 or early 2010, shortly after they met.
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 22





	When You Leave Me (I'm Not Going Anywhere)

**Author's Note:**

> TW for panic attacks/ anxiety disorder
> 
> This was written to be platonic, but I think you could interpret it otherwise if you want.
> 
> I've never had a panic attack, but I did some research and hopefully this isn't terribly unrealistic.
> 
> Disclaimer: The events portrayed in this story are fictional and do not reflect on the actual Dan and Phil.
> 
> Enjoy!

“I feel bad leaving you here by yourself,” Phil says, slipping on his shoes. “You sure you’re okay?”

Dan smiles. “I’m fine, Phil, really. It’s not like you need to be entertaining me every second that I’m here. I’ll be fine. I’ll see you in a little bit.”

“Okay,” Phil says, still doubtful. He doesn’t want to be rude, and as a general rule of etiquette, one shouldn’t leave their guest alone. But Dan is more than just a guest, more than just a casual acquaintance. And it’s not like he doesn’t trust Dan alone in his flat. “I should be back in an hour or so.”

“Alright. Bye!” Dan says, smiling and waving.

“Bye!”

As Phil closes the door behind himself, Dan flops onto the sofa and sighs loudly and contentedly. It feels like he’s spent as much time at Phil’s as he has at his own dorm lately, but it’s nice. He likes everything about being at Phil’s- he likes the way it smells, likes that he can forget about school for a little while and instead just be with Phil; he likes how welcoming the apartment feels, the sense of belonging when he’s here.

He mentally reviews the last couple days. By the time he got to Phil’s apartment yesterday, it was already ten o’clock, and he was tired from travelling and from a week of classes before that. He stumbled out of the cab and up the steps, where Phil greeted him with a hug. They made popcorn and sat on the sofa and just talked- about school, about home, about music and animals and anime. They had seen each other the weekend before, but somehow there was still so much to talk about, and it was midnight by the time they decided to watch an anime, bingeing episode after episode until two a.m., when they finally went to bed.

Phil’s apartment doesn’t have an extra bedroom, and Dan slept on the pullout couch in Phil’s room, like he always does when he comes to visit Phil. He doesn’t mind; in fact, he enjoys the closeness, the knowledge that if he whispered through the dark, Phil would hear him. When he woke up this morning, he was not at all disoriented, the way he was the first time he slept here. Instead he lay in the familiar bed, just thinking and occasionally looking over at Phil, still asleep across from him, an arm tossed over his face. When Phil woke up, they had breakfast together and watched (yet another) anime. Today has included a lot of sitting on the sofa next to each other, browsing Tumblr and procrastinating studying.

It’s been going by too fast. Every moment he spends with Phil is too short. He could spend the rest of his life here and still wish for more. He got here Friday night, and it’s already Saturday evening. He’ll be leaving tomorrow afternoon to get back to uni before his classes on Monday.

He sighs again, less contentedly this time. He’ll be leaving tomorrow, for another week of classes. He lets it sink in. It’s not that he _hates_ his classes- hate is a strong word- but they're often boring, and the hours of sitting in stifling classrooms are so redundant. He can’t wait for them to be over.

Except that when they’re over, what will happen? More long hours and repetitive days, sitting in a stifling office and trying to fix a bit of the pain in the world, trying to defend an infinitesimal and sometimes seemingly pointless piece of righteousness and hope.

And Phil! What will Phil be doing, while Dan’s off becoming a lawyer? He’ll be here making videos, probably, and he’ll likely grow famous and make enough money doing that to sustain himself. And he’ll probably find someone else, some other full time YouTuber to be his best friend, and they’ll move in together and they might even get married and Dan will be an outsider, clinging to memories of a perfect today, and someday Phil won’t even remember Dan, or if he does it will be when he tells someone else the story of “that one friend I had, for a couple of months back in uni, who was always sleeping on my couch.”

Dan can’t stand it.

He abruptly pushes himself off the sofa and walks to the kitchen, hoping to get away from the thoughts. He pours himself a glass of water, raises it to his lips, and slams it back on the counter before he can take a sip. His hands are shaking, and the glass tips a bit as it lands, splashing over the rim onto the counter. Those drops of water on the counter make him irrationally angry, and he wants to knock the glass off the counter. Instead he balls his hands into fists, so tight, until he can feel his nails biting into his skin. Good. Let them.

He stalks back into the living room, pressing his fists to his head and letting his knuckles dig into his scalp, messing up his hair and making his head pound. He paces, but the thoughts follow him- _You’re not good enough_ , they say, and, _Why are you even trying? What are you expecting to get out of being friends with Phil? You’re just a burden to him, and eventually he’ll cut ties with you because you’re so selfish and_ -

Dan spins on his heel and stalks back to the kitchen. His whole body is shaking now, enough that he sinks to the floor, pressed against the cabinets. He can’t breathe. He knows that this is a panic attack, _knows_ that he's being stupid, but that doesn't make it any easier. Knowing that doesn't make the thoughts go away, doesn't make the worry go away, the _What if this time is the time I pass out and die from lack of oxygen?_ go away. He- he can’t breathe and he’s going to die here, alone in Phil’s kitchen, and Phil will find his body and have to take care of it, and even dead he’ll be a burden.

He can’t stand it, he can’t, Phil is going to leave him and- Phil.

Phil is going to come home any second and see Dan sitting here, on the floor, curled in a ball and shaking, and Dan doesn't think he could stand it if he does. He doesn’t want Phil to have to deal with this on top of Dan sleeping in his house and eating his food and being generally annoying. He should call Phil and make up an excuse, a reason for Phil to stay out longer, so that Dan can get a grip on himself before he comes home.

Yeah. That’s what he’ll do. He’ll call Phil. The sense of purpose helps him a bit- lets him focus on something other than his thoughts.

His fingers reach for his phone, but by the time he’s dialed he can’t remember why.

“Hey,” Phil says.

“I’m sorry,” Dan blurts out, and he doesn’t mean to say it, but he’s glad he did because he’s probably bothering Phil by calling and he doesn’t want him to be angry or annoyed and why didn’t he realize that calling him would interrupt his alone time, which he deserves, he deserves time away from Dan and Dan just interrupted it and _why doesn’t Dan think before he does things_ -

“What?” Phil giggles a bit, confusedly. “What are you sorry for?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“Dan, what’s going on?” Phil is no longer giggling. He sounds worried now.

“I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry-”

“Dan? Are you okay?”

“-sorryI’msorryI’m-”

“Dan, what happened?”

“I’msorryI’msorry-”

“I- I’m gonna be right there, okay, just hang on a minute.” Phil sounds scared, and Dan wants to go help him, find out why he’s scared and protect him from it, but he can’t seem to move.

Phil hangs up, and Dan is left limply holding the phone and whispering apologies to no one, and he can’t stop shaking and his stupid shaking fingers drop the phone and he’s so annoyed at them that he shoves them into his mouth and bites on them, as hard as he can, and it _hurts_ and he’s glad it does because he deserves to be punished for everything he’s put Phil through-

Suddenly Phil’s there. Dan doesn’t realize he’s come in until he hears him talking, and at first Dan thinks he’s imagining it, but his imagination would never be this kind to him.

"Dan? Dan, where are you? Dan! Dan, what happened are you-” Phil cuts himself off as he comes into the kitchen and finds Dan sitting on the tile, exactly how Dan didn’t want Phil to find him. “Dan, take a breath. Please don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve it." A warm hand wraps around his own and pulls his fingers out of his mouth and Phil’s being so gentle and does he realize that he should just leave Dan, that Dan isn’t worth his time?

Tears are spilling onto his cheeks and- “I’m sorry-”

“Just breathe, okay Dan? Just breathe, come on, do it with me, in-”

Dan tries, really, because he should get a grip on himself and he can’t believe he’s putting this on Phil, making him deal with this, but he’s having trouble with the breathing and he’s shivering and and his breath is all shaky-

“Come on Dan, let’s count, okay? It’s just a panic attack. It’ll be over in a minute. Just focus on the breathing now. In, 2, 3, 4-” Phil’s still holding Dan’s hand, balled into a tight fist and unresponsive to Phil’s touch. Phil can feel the pulse in his wrist, beating much too quickly, and Dan’s fingers are red where he bit them. Phil brings Dan’s hand to his mouth and kisses it.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-”

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Dan, it’s okay.” In truth, Phil doesn’t know whether there’s anything to apologize for or not. He’s not sure what Dan is sorry for, but he can tell that now is not the time to ask him about it. Dan told him that sometimes he has panic attacks, and though Phil’s never witnessed one before now, he researched them after Dan told him, just in case. He wanted to be prepared. He recognizes the symptoms- the shaking, the increased heart rate, the shallow breathing- but nothing could have prepared him for what it felt like to see Dan like this, reduced to a ball on the kitchen floor, looking so hurt and scared. “Focus on breathing, alright? Hold, 2, 3, 4, 5-”

“I- I- I’m sorry-”

“Out, 2, 3-”

Dan keeps apologizing, and Phil keeps counting- in for four, hold for seven, out for eight, until Dan’s breath and heart and thoughts have slowed down, and he realizes that tears have dried on his face, and more are still coming but it’s more like _leaking_ now, they’re just slipping out from underneath his eyelids, and he’s still shivering. And Phil is here, and Phil is still telling him to breathe, and Phil’s sitting next to him, pressed close with an arm around Dan’s shoulder. Dan wonders how long he’s been sitting there.

“Ph-Phil?”

Phil stops counting to say, “I’m right here, Dan.” Dan can feel Phil looking at him, and he wants to avoid Phil’s gaze because he can’t bear to be looking at him when Phil inevitably rejects his apology.

“I’m sorry.” This time the words don’t fall from his lips without his control; instead they stick in his throat and he’s scared of what Phil will say.

“What are you sorry for, Dan?” Phil’s voice is gentle.

“I’m sorry that I called you and I’m sorry that you had to come here and sit with me and I’m sorry that I had a panic attack and I’m sorry for bothering you and I- I’m just sorry you have to deal with me, Phil.” Dan glances up to meet Phil’s gaze, and when he sees Phil still looking at him he immediately looks away, as though afraid of being burned.

Phil sits quietly for a few more moments, even after Dan’s done talking. He doesn’t move, and he doesn’t speak, he just keeps looking at Dan thoughtfully, still sitting with an arm around him. Eventually, he says, “Dan. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. You’re not a burden. Okay? Anytime you want to call me- if you’re having a panic attack, or if you’re just lonely, or any other reason- feel free to call me. You’re not a bother and I’m so glad you called me, because I don’t ever want you to feel alone. I’m here. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”

Emotion is welling up in Dan’s eyes and spilling onto his cheeks, and he doesn’t quite believe Phil but he wants to, so badly.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Phil says gently, and he brings a hand to Dan’s face and wipes away his tears with the pad of his thumb, and when the tears don’t stop Phil shifts so that he can wrap both his arms around Dan. “You’re not a burden. You’re not. You’re so talented, and funny, and creative, and articulate, and I love you. Okay? I love you, Dan Howell, and that’s not about to change.”

“I- I love you too, Phil.”

“I know. Shh, sweetheart, I know.” Phil can tell that those words- “I love you”- are not something Dan’s used to hearing, and they’re not something easy for him to say. In that moment, Phil decides that he’s going to remind Dan that he loves him every single day from now on. Because he does love him, and if there’s ever a day when Dan doesn’t believe it, Phil will know he’s failed as a best friend.

Dan’s still shaking in Phil’s arms, and Phil’s not sure if it’s from the aftermath of the panic attack or from the crying or both, but he hugs Dan harder as he works out what to do next. He thinks Dan could probably use some rest, but he doesn’t want to leave Dan alone with his thoughts and no distraction from them. “You wanna watch a movie?”

Dan nods against Phil’s shoulder.

“Okay, go put on your pajamas and I’ll get it set up.” Phil stands and offers a hand to help Dan up after him. Dan takes it and stands, biting his lip like he has something else to say. Phil waits, but Dan goes off to the bedroom without saying anything.

Phil’s got Netflix set up by the time Dan comes back, wearing sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. “I’m gonna go change now,” Phil says. “You get set up here with a blanket, and I’ll be right back.”

Dan unfolds the blanket that’s lying over the back of the couch and spreads it over himself, nestling into a corner against the arm of the sofa. Phil’s doing everything right, and that makes it hurt more. He doesn’t have an obligation to Dan. He doesn’t have to take care of Dan. Dan’s grateful that he’s doing it, but the guilt is so much stronger than the gratitude that he can barely feel it. Phil would be better off without him.

Phil comes in wearing a soft Pokémon t-shirt and pajama pants printed with cartoon dogs, carrying a glass of water in each hand. He hands one to Dan. Dan smiles and thanks him, but inside he’s screaming that Phil shouldn’t have to deal with Dan or take care of him. Dan’s not a child, he shouldn’t need Phil. And yet he doesn’t want Phil to leave.

Phil plops down next to Dan and pulls the blanket over himself. Dan squeezes his eyes shut. He wants them gone, the thoughts, but he knows that’s a selfish want, because they’re true and they’re not going to go away until he leaves and lets Phil live his life in peace.

“You okay?”

Dan snaps his eyes open. Phil’s looking at him, looking concerned, and Dan wants to shut his eyes again and forget this day ever happened. He can’t think about Phil without thinking of all the kind things Phil’s done for him, and all the times Dan didn’t deserve them. He forces the corners of his mouth to turn up. “I’m fine.”

“Dan. You wanna talk?”

Dan doesn’t want to talk, not really. Talking won’t solve this, and he can’t talk to Phil about it anyway.

He must have waited too long to answer, because Phil says, “What’s wrong? What caused the panic attack?”

Dan closes his eyes again and shakes his head. “It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“Was it what you said before, when you were apologizing? Are those thoughts what started it?”

How does Phil know? What does he think now? Why isn’t Dan better at hiding, why did he call Phil in the first place, if he hadn’t called Phil then Phil wouldn’t be looking at him right now with those worried eyes, making Dan wish he could disappear into the ground.

“Dan?”

“Would you just stop, Phil? I told you it’s nothing, would you just butt out?”

Phil doesn’t say anything, and as soon as the words come out Dan wants to take them back.

“No- Phil- I’m sorry- I didn’t- I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at me, I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that-”

Phil sighs. “Dan, I don’t know what to do right now. Do you want to tell me why you’re mad at me, or mad at you, or whatever’s going on, or do you want to just watch the movie and forget this happened? Should we just go to bed now? Or do you want to keep yelling at me, ‘cause that works too.”

“Phil, I’m so sorry.” _What the hell was that, Dan?_ he asks himself. _Why would you say that? You’re already enough of a problem, can’t you just chill out and not set fire to something for ten minutes?_ “I- you didn’t deserve that- I didn’t mean it- You didn’t do anything, I’m not mad at you, Phil- Phil, please, I’m sorry-”

“Okay. Okay, take a breath, Dan. Seriously, just- have some water, okay? You’re supposed to drink plenty after a panic attack, a lot of times they’re caused by dehydration.”

Dan could cry- he just blew up at Phil for no reason other than that Phil was concerned about him, and instead of being angry, Phil’s making sure he’s drinking enough. He takes a tiny sip of the water.

“Finish the glass, okay, and then we’ll talk.”

Dan nods, and Phil closes his eyes, retreating into his head for just a moment. Dan’s words hurt him, but Dan’s apologies were so frantic, Phil knows he didn’t mean to get angry. And getting angry back at Dan won’t get them anywhere. He opens his eyes as Dan’s taking the last sip of his water.

“Okay,” Phil says, and then because he doesn’t know what else to say, he says it again. “Okay. Now… You don’t have to tell me about the panic attack if you don’t want to. I know-” Dan opens his mouth to say something, and Phil holds up a finger. “Let me finish. I know it can be hard to talk about painful things, and I don’t want to force you to talk about something you’re not ready to talk about. That being said, I also want you to know that I’ll listen when or if you are ready. You can talk to me about whatever’s on your mind, Dan, I’m here for you. As for what you just said to me- I know you didn’t mean it, and I forgive you. It just- hurt.” He pauses. “Okay, I’m done.”

“Phil, I…” _I’m sorry._ “Thank you. For everything, for letting me sleep here, and for coming when I called you before, and for sitting with me during the panic attack, and for sitting with me here right now, and for the water, and for listening, and just- thank you, Phil.”

Phil can hear the unspoken apology in Dan’s words, but “thank you” is an improvement from “I’m sorry,” so he’s grateful for it anyway. He smiles at him. “You’re welcome, Dan. And it’s no big deal, I wanted to do all those things.”

“But Phil- you don’t have to do them. You know that, right? I mean- I don’t want to be annoying or a burden. I just- I mean. You don’t have to put up with me if you don’t want to.” It’s scary to say it out loud, because as much as Dan doesn’t want Phil to feel burdened, he’s even more scared of what will happen if Phil agrees with him, if Phil doesn’t want to be his friend anymore.

Phil smiles softly again, but it feels like a fist just squeezed his heart, crushing it. “Dan, I know I don’t have to. I don’t feel obligated to be nice to you, okay? I care about you. I _want_ to be nice to you. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be healthy, and I want to be near you because I love spending time with you. I look forward to you getting here on the weekends just as much as I know you do. And yes, I hated seeing you have a panic attack, but that wasn’t because I felt like it was something I had to ‘deal with.’ I hated it because I hate seeing you unhappy. When I’m with you I’m not ‘putting up with’ anything. I’m enjoying every second of being with you.”

Dan’s quiet for several seconds. “Thank you.”

“It’s true.”

Dan’s quiet again, and then he says, “The panic attack- it- You were right. It started because of those thoughts, because you’re going to realize I’m not worth your time and you’re going to leave me and someday you won’t remember me, but I’m always gonna look back on these weekends as the best days of my life, and there’s nothing I can do about that but- it just hurts knowing that.”

“Dan. What are you talking about? You’re saying this like you already know it’s gonna happen. Why would that happen? You have much more reason to believe that it’s always gonna be like this than to believe I’d ever leave you.” Dan doesn't say anything. “Dan, I’m not going anywhere. I love you. I want to be with you, and I can’t picture a time when I won’t. I’ll be here for as long as you want me to be.”

“But- what if you change your mind?”

“Okay, first of all, that’s never gonna happen. I’m not going to change my mind. I love you. Second of all- if it helps, I’ll humor you for a minute. Okay, let’s say I change my mind. I get fed up with you, and I yell at you and tell you to never come back.” As he says it, his mouth twitches at the very idea of this happening. That amusement, more than anything else, is what helps Dan believe him. “Then what? Honestly, if I ever do that to you, then you deserve so much better than me. So if that happens, you’d leave, and you’d find someone better, and the two of you would spend the rest of your days together, happily ever after.”

Dan doesn’t say anything. He wasn’t really expecting Phil to actually think up a ‘what if’ scenario.

“But Dan, I have no reason to believe that would ever happen. If I ever tell you that, you have permission to punch me, okay?”

Dan tries to smile. “Okay.”

“If you ever need to talk, Dan- I’m right here.”

“Thanks, Phil. You- you know-” He stops, squeezes his eyes shut, and then says very quickly, “You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah, Dan. I know.” Phil smiles softly at him, like he’s taking him in.

“And you’re being so sweet and just- just know that I’m here for you too, okay?”

Phil smiles then, wider than before, like Dan had just handed him a puppy. “Thanks, Dan.”

Dan nods. He hesitates, then says, “You wanna watch the movie now?”

“Let’s do it.” Phil reaches over to press play. Dan shifts, and under the pretense of wrapping the blanket around himself more tightly, he moves a tiny bit closer to Phil. Just a bit, maybe a couple centimeters. He hopes Phil doesn’t notice- he doesn’t want to seem needy or weird. He thinks it would be nice to cuddle, but he’s not about to say it. So instead he gets to sit four inches away from Phil, instead of five.

Phil watches Dan out of the corner of his eye. He’s moving around a lot more than seemingly necessary, and Phil imagines there must be a reason for it, but he looks back at the movie. If Dan wants to tell him what’s going on, he will. Right?

Dan stops shifting a moment later, and Phil peeks at him again. Dan’s a little bit closer to Phil than he was a moment ago. Phil stifles a grin. Why is Dan so _cute_? He could just cuddle if he wants, doesn’t he know that? Instead he’s trying- and failing- to be sneaky about it. Phil reaches out an arm and pulls Dan closer. “You’re not very subtle, Mr. Howell,” he says. Dan turns bright red, and Phil grins. “It’s okay. Come here.”

“Sorry,” Dan mutters.

“No, no, don’t be sorry. Come here. I like cuddles.”

Dan ends up squished into Phil, which is exactly where he wanted to be, with his whole body flush against Phil’s and his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil picks up one of Dan’s hands and looks at it. It’s still red from Dan biting it before.

“I hate that you hurt yourself,” Phil murmurs.

Dan shrugs. “I barely felt it anyway. I was too focused on the thoughts.”

Phil rubs a thumb over Dan’s fingers, then presses a kiss to them. Dan nuzzles closer to Phil, which he hadn’t even thought was possible. They’re so close together, and both of them are reveling in it. The physical contact is like a balm- having this constant reminder of Phil’s closeness almost makes Dan believe that Phil won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.

They watch the movie for a while in silence, and then Dan asks, “How did you know? About what to do during the panic attack, and what it was, and about the breathing and about what you told me before, about drinking water?”

“I did research. After you told me that you get them sometimes. I wanted to be prepared, just in case.”

Dan blinks slowly, taking it in. “Did you know it was a panic attack when I called you?”

“Not right away. At first I had no idea. Then you kept apologizing and I could hear you breathing really fast, and I thought it might be. I wasn’t sure until I got here, though.”

“Phil- Phil, I-” Dan breaks off, choking on a sob.

Phil reaches up a hand to touch Dan’s hair. “Hey. Hey, sweetheart, it’s okay.”

“It’s just- you’re so sweet to me, Phil, and what did I ever do to deserve it?”

“Dan. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it. You deserve it because of who you _are_ , okay?”

“But what if I’m not who you think I am?”

“Listen to me. The fact that you’re wondering about whether you’re a good person says so much. Just the act of trying to be good already means that you’re better than a lot of people out there. And I know you, Dan. I _know_ that you’re an amazing person. I don’t need more proof, I already have it. Okay?”

Phil takes Dan’s arm and pulls it towards him, letting Dan rest his head on Phil’s lap. Phil strokes Dan’s hair and wipes away his tears and whispers to him. “You’re incredible, Dan. You’re so good. And you deserve the world. I love you so much.”

Dan still can’t quite bring himself to believe it, but he’s getting there.

Eventually Phil says, still whispering, “I think you need rest, Dan. And more water. You stay here, I’ll be right back.”

Dan doesn’t want to move, and he doesn’t want Phil to move either. But Phil picks up Dan’s head and moves him gently so that he can flop the other direction, onto the arm of the couch.

Phil’s back with the water in less than a minute, and he sits back down next to Dan. Dan immediately shifts so that he can lean against Phil again. Phil passes him the glass.

“Thank you.”

“Drink all of it, okay?”

Dan nods, the smallest of smiles playing around his lips, and after he finishes Phil hands him a square of chocolate.

Dan giggles a bit and takes it. “Thanks, Phil.”

“Okay, now no more hating yourself, deal? Let’s finish the movie and go to bed.”

Dan eats his chocolate, and they spend the rest of the movie with Dan’s head in Phil’s lap and Phil’s fingers in Dan’s hair, and by the time it ends Dan is half-asleep.

Phil moves his hand down to Dan’s shoulder, gripping it gently as he wakes Dan. “Dan. Dan, it’s time for bed, okay? Come on.”

“Mmm,” Dan mumbles, and rolls over, pressing his face into Phil’s shirt. “Don’t go.”

Phil giggles. “Come on. I want to stay here too, but you’ll be more comfortable in bed.”

Dan sits up slowly, blinking sleepily at Phil. “I think I fell asleep.”

“I think you did too. It’s okay.”

Phil stands and then helps Dan up. Dan leans heavily on Phil, and Phil puts an arm around him to guide him to the bedroom. “Come on,” he says gently.

Phil half-carries Dan to his bed, and after Dan curls up in a ball and Phil tucks the covers over him, Dan mumbles, “Come back.”

Phil smiles fondly at him. He’s obviously still half-asleep- Phil doubts he would show this affection if he were awake. Phil reaches out a hand and plays with Dan’s hair. “I’m right here.”

“Come back.” Dan reaches out a hand from under the covers and clasps Phil’s wrist. Phil laughs.

“Okay, I’m coming.” He pulls back the blanket and slips into the bed, squishing in next to Dan. The bed’s pretty small, but they manage to fit.

Dan rolls closer to Phil. “Thanks.”

“It’s okay, Dan.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it :)
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments- did it feel in-character? Was it realistic? Do I need to do more research on panic attacks? Let me know!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
